


Loss

by Weasleymama



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5543927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weasleymama/pseuds/Weasleymama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="big"></span>
  <br/>
  <b>
    <br/>
  </b>
  <br/>
  <i>Without Riley, I might never come back.</i>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Loss of Three

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> This author replies to all comments!

> Tears flowed freely down both girls’ faces as they clung together. Riley didn’t want to leave Maya as much as Maya didn’t want her to leave. Everything had happened too fast, Maya had barely let herself believe that Riley was leaving before the day came that she was going. The moving truck was full of everything in the Matthew’s house, everything Maya knew as well as her own home. She’d spent as much time in their apartment as her own in the last decade. 
> 
> Alan Matthews had suffered a stroke two weeks before and Amy needed help taking care of him at home, she didn’t even have to ask her second born son to move back home, he was already making plans to do so as soon as he’d heard the news. Riley would be moving to Philadelphia and living in the same home that her father had grown up in. Auggie would share a room with Josh until Josh went to school, Riley would have Aunt Morgan’s old room and go to the same school her father had graduated from. 
> 
> Maya hadn’t left Riley’s side since Cory announced the decision. She and Riley had been side by side in a closer friendship than anyone else they knew since the moment they met. She didn’t know how to be without Riley, she never had. Maya was there until Riley had to let go and get in the car, both of them looking back until long after they were out of sight. 
> 
> It was after dark when Katy walked up to the front stoop where Maya had been sitting for hours. Maya’s face was red from crying, she was silent and stiff. “Hey baby girl.” Katy said softly as she sat down beside Maya and slid an arm around her. 
> 
> “They’re gone.” Maya said softly, her eyes still watching where the car had driven away hours ago. 
> 
> “I know.” Katy stroked her hair softly and Maya’s head leaned over on her mother. She felt like half of herself had driven away, like her family left her alone. “C’mon let’s go home.” Katy urged, and Maya finally stood up, legs stuff from sitting still for so long.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> The change in Maya happened nearly as quickly as it had the evening of the fated detention. Without Riley, Maya didn’t have her good kid. She didn’t have someone to balance her out. Lucas and Farkle moved into the role, but as was said that day – she was stronger than they were. They didn’t stand a chance in being her balance, her personality was far too strong and alluring to them and it wasn’t long before they would slowly slide with her or slide away from her.
> 
> Farkle tried for months to bring some sense to Maya, to pull her back from her own downfalls. He tried to study with her, he tried to invite her over to spend time with his family now that the Matthew’s were gone. He truly seemed to understand more than other that it needed to be both of them, to be ‘Riley and Maya’ or things would never be alright. 
> 
> Maya cackled in class when the paint bomb went off as soon as Mr. Jenks – the teacher who’d taken over for Corey – had opened his own book. Some student’s laughed with her, some gasped in shock. Lucas and Farkle’s eyes both went to Maya, knowing immediately that the purple paint to cover the well-dressed teacher was her doing. 
> 
> Maya spent more afternoons in detention than she did out of it. It was the afternoon that both Lucas and Farkle ended up in there with her for the first time since the 7th grade that seemed to change everything. Maya was painting – painting her own locker. While the art actually looked nice, it was still considered vandalizing school property. The boys had tried to stop her, and in turn, all three were caught together with the paint and all three punished equally. 
> 
> They all sat in detention in silence for an hour before they were let out, but Mr. Jenks stopped them on the way out. “You’re hanging by a thread Ms. Hart. You keep this up and you’re not going to see graduation. And you two keep letting her drag you down and you’ll be suffering the same consequences.”
> 
> The word lingered with Farkle, his perfect record hanging over his head and the risk wasn’t sitting well with him. Maya blew it off, she toed the line, but she’d never pushed it so far to get into serious trouble. Lucas – who had been in serious trouble in the past – knew this so he didn’t take it as seriously as Farkle seemed to. However, hearing this from his best friends didn’t help and he began to pull away slowly from the group. 
> 
> Five months after Riley’s move, the tight group of four had become two. Maya and Lucas stuck together like glue, and while they weren’t a couple, people all had the suspicions with how close they had become. Lucas was a lot like Riley – with the exception of her naivety. Lucas would do anything for his friends, he was sweet and kind, he was Riley in a young man’s body but with real life experience and Maya clung to that.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> “Maya?” Lucas started, looking around the unfamiliar neighborhood, it was suburbia and more green around than they usually saw, people had actual yards. “Where are we?”
> 
> “Well, Hopalong, we are in New Jersey.” She told him sarcastically, walking with a purpose.
> 
> “Yeah, but why are we right HERE in New Jersey?” He asked further.
> 
> “See that house?” She said pointing. “My dad lives there.”
> 
> “Maya…” But she didn’t reply, she just looked up at the house with an odd curiosity in her eyes. “Why are we here?”
> 
> “He owes me something.” She muttered finally still staring at the house, she had it all thought out, how she’d bang on the door, how she’d make him see her. But her feet felt stuck to the sidewalk.
> 
> “Okay…” Lucas began, not really sure how to handle this. “What does he owe you?”
> 
> Maya was quiet for a minute. “Everything.” She muttered as she watched through the window at a man pecking a girl on the cheek before she ran up the stairs assumedly to bed. Kermit saw Maya before she ever made it up the front walk. He had been turning out lights in the house and spotted her out the window. Their eyes met and recognition was clear. Kermit opened the front door, glancing back inside for a second before he closed it behind him and walked down the steps. Lucas had assumed when he opened the door he’d be inviting his daughter inside, but it became clear very fast that he had no intentions on doing that.
> 
> “Maya? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” He asked her as he got closer on the side walk. Lucas looked back and forth between them both, this was not how fathers and daughters acted in the world he knew. Kermit ignored Lucas, he’d seen him one before but that was almost two years ago now.
> 
> “No, it’s not okay.” She replied, a coldness in her voice Lucas didn’t like to hear. “Why did you do it?” 
> 
> Kermit sighed. “Maya…”
> 
> “Why?” She asked again, harder this time.
> 
> “You don’t need me Maya, you’re grown up.”
> 
> “I’m sixteen!”
> 
> “You’re not a little girl anymore. It’s easier this way.”
> 
> “Easier?” Maya’s eyes welled with hot angry tears. “Easier for who?”
> 
> “For everyone Maya, for you, for your mom.”
> 
> “For you. You mean it’s easier for you. Just write me off and pretend I never happened. Enjoy your new family and just forget the old. Easy as signing your fucking name, right?” Lucas’s brow furrowed trying to figure out what was going on. “Was it all the money you owed? She was never going to force you to pay it you know? She works two jobs, but she was still never going to take you to court. So why? What exactly is the motivation for giving up rights to your kid?” And then Lucas understood it all. 
> 
> “Maya, please don’t.”
> 
> “Don’t what? YELL?!” She shouted. “Afraid I’ll wake up the family that matters? Fuck them.” Her face burned as a tear actually fell.
> 
> “Maya!” And this time his voice had a scolding tone and he stepped closer to her. 
> 
> Maya’s face was harder as she glared at him. “And fuck you too.” She continued, staring him down. 
> 
> Kermit reached forward, grabbing her arm. “You don’t talk to me like that.” He began, a hint of anger in his eyes. But before Maya could say anything, Lucas stepped forward. Maya had been ready to punch her father, and Lucas could see her arm tensing. He pulled Maya back, out of Kermit’s grasp and stood between them. 
> 
> “Don’t touch her.” Lucas said, eyes cold as steel. 
> 
> “Who the hell are you?” Kermit replied, looking at Lucas as if he were insignificant. Lucas however, did not reply. He didn’t feel the need to be a part of it all, but he wasn’t going to let the person who walked out on Maya ever lay a hand on her.
> 
> Maya on the other hand didn’t see the situation the same. “I’ll talk however the hell I want, DAD. Oh wait, you’re not my dad anymore right?”
> 
> Kermit sighed and shook his head at her. “Maya, it’s late, I think you need to go home.” Maya felt like she was breaking even more than she had been all her life. Felt like the man who helped make her truly never cared about her.
> 
> “I just want to know why!” She shouted and then turned to Lucas. “Is that so wrong?”
> 
> Lucas looked down at her with sad eyes. “No, it’s not.” He put an arm around her. “C’mon…he’s never done anything for you before, he’s not going to now. Let’s just go home.” He told her, trying to walk her away from her father. 
> 
> She nodded, feeling like she might cry but only a few steps away and she turned back. But Kermit wasn’t even watching her go, he was heading back up towards his front door. “ASSHOLE!” She screamed at him as he closed the door without a goodbye. 
> 
> Lucas tried to lead her away, back to port authority, back home. But she wasn’t budging. “My mom told me, he signed away his rights to me…so no more child support, not that he paid it, and no more obligation to me, not that he came around. But he just gave me away.” She wiped her face on the back of her hands and sniffled back trying to stop.
> 
> “I’m sorry, Maya.” Lucas whispered, hugging her closer. “He doesn’t have any idea what he’s missing out on.” 
> 
> Maya pushed her sadness down – something she’d grown very good at doing in her life. The sadness would sink to the pit of her stomach and just add to the ball of anger inside. She pulled away from Lucas and stared at the house for a long moment before she began walking closer to it. She reached down into the messenger bag she carried and Lucas didn’t expect what came out. 
> 
> Maya took the can of bright purple spray paint and walked right up to the car she knew to be her fathers and attacked it silently in the night. “Maya, enough.” Lucas urged, reaching for her arm as she reached into her bag again. 
> 
> Maya looked up at him and a glint shone in her eye. “C’mon, Mad Dog.” She teased with a wicked smirk and pulled out the carton of eggs. The name made Lucas smile, she’d remembered it all as well as he had. He looked down at the eggs and then into her blue eyes for a moment before he grabbed one out and threw it at the front door. Maya’s smile was wide as they both emptied the dozen eggs all over her father’s home. It was Lucas’ last throw, one that hit a second floor window that got the lights in the house to come on suddenly. 
> 
> The two blondes looked at one another for only a second before they both took off running as fast as they could. This was further than Maya had ever taken her vandalism before and he knew that if her father had been angry enough, the two of them could both end up in a lot of trouble. But if he were honest with himself, he didn’t regret it. He’d seen her cry, seen the look in her eyes when she spoke to the man that was never a real father to her. And if five minutes of destruction could make her feel even slightly better about the life she’d been given, he would do it again.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> They rode the train back into the city sitting close together despite how few people were in the car. “I should have known he wouldn’t tell me anything.” Maya muttered. Lucas frowned, her slight happiness over her destruction hadn’t lasted long at all; joy rarely lasted long with Maya Hart. Lucas just put am arm on her shoulders and gave her a squeeze, not knowing what else to do.
> 
> Maya tilted her head to look up at him, eyes locked on his for a long moment, they darted down to his lips and quickly back to his eyes. She yearned to feel some closeness, to feel wanted and loved. The half-relationship they’d had in the eighth grade didn’t account for much, it was over as quickly as it started. It never felt natural, never felt comfortable. And Riley was always there – but not anymore. Since the end of it all, Maya had never asked him how he felt for her, if there was anything still there anything ever really there before...but she didn’t care to know just then. 
> 
> She just moved in closer, her hand reached up and touched the side of his neck as she kissed him. Lucas wasn’t sure right away what was happening, but as her lips touched his he couldn’t help but kiss her back despite his shock. After a second he pulled back, looking down at her. “Maya…What…?”
> 
> “Don’t you want to kiss me?” She asked him softly, licking her bottom lip before she sucked it between her teeth. They’d almost kissed in the past, but never truly crossed the line.
> 
> “Well, yeah, but...”
> 
> “Then kiss me.” She interrupted and moved back in again. She wrapped her arm around his neck this time. Lucas considered stopping her, but the thought that this might be his only chance to get to kiss her. And so he slid an arm around her back and pulled her to him as he returned her kiss. 
> 
> The need inside Maya for some kind of feeling that wasn’t pain, something that wasn’t abandonment latched onto the feeling from the kiss and clung to it. Something inside her knew if she didn’t find SOMETHING to make her feel better, she might not be able to come out of this feeling. By the time they reached their stop, the two were making out so intently in the empty train car that they didn’t even realize they were back. The kisses were passionate and deep, her hand had slid under his shirt and pressed against his toned stomach and one of his was tangled in her long hair. Their faces were flushed and lips kiss swollen when they finally pulled back to breathe.
> 
> Maya breathed deep, looking into his eyes as the doors opened to the platform. She didn’t want to go, but she didn’t have to tell him that. They stood together and walked out of port authority. At the top of the stairs Lucas looked down at her for a long moment. “I’ll walk you home.” He told her, also trying to extend the moment as long as he could. She smiled and nodded, sticking close to him. 
> 
> The two stopped every few yards to kiss again, stumbling like they were drunk just to keep connected to one another. With each stumble she laughed against his mouth and held him a little tighter. It was the little laughs that urged on Lucas, he loved the sound of her laugh, he’d rather hear that and kiss her than walk straight and not risk falling.
> 
> On her front stoop, they stopped again, pausing in the door way. When he leaned in he smiled. “Goodnight.” He whispered wanting her to kiss him this time so he hesitated. 
> 
> She grinned, and moved in swiftly, pressing him back against the wall near the door. She kissed him again, her small frame pressed against him as her fingers blindly fumbled with the key in the lock. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him with her as she walked backwards inside her building. He pulled back them, looking down at her. She only said one word, “stay.” And with one look into her big blue eyes he couldn’t have uttered the word no even if he’d actually wanted to.
> 
> Maya knew from the sidewalk that the apartment was empty, it was almost always empty if no lights were on. She didn’t bother to turn them on either, just pulled Lucas down with her on the couch. Lying under him and continuing to kiss him heavily.
> 
> When breathing while kissing just wouldn‘t suffice and they had to pull back for deeper breaths, Lucas looked at Maya in the glowing street lights from outside. “Maya?” Lucas began, his lips still feeling like she was kissing him. She looked up at him, silently wondering if this was when he stopped thing, when his moral compass took over and decided this wasn’t a good idea. “You’re okay right?” He asked her, and she smiled.
> 
> “I’m great, Huckleberry. Now, c’mere.” She said, grabbing his shirt and pulling him back down. And while he moved in and kissed her a few times, he pulled back again.
> 
> “Should we…talk about this?”
> 
> “No.” She moved closer to him then, arm around his neck and pulling him so close her lips almost brushed his as she spoke. “No more talking.” The kissing started again, though they were so close it was hard to say who kissed first that time. Maya didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want to try to make sense of any of this. She wanted to kiss Lucas and ignore the rest of the world. 


	2. Loss of One

> Maya walked towards Lucas in the hall after the final bell rang, her heart was racing and her lips were tight. Another nasty comment from another girl, another rejection from a guy, and only having seen her mother for ten minutes in the last two days had taken its toll on her. As she moved past him she reached out and grabbed a fistful of his t-shirt and pulled him with her down the hall. Lucas laughed and moved with her with ease, she couldn’t have pulled him far had he resisted, but he had never resisted when it came to Maya.
> 
> She pulled him into an empty stairwell at the end of the hall and pulled him against her small frame as she leaned against the wall. Lucas knew how this went by now, they’d been at this for nearly a year now and while it wasn’t what he’d ever had in mind, it was better than the nothing he had without it. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her without a word between them. 
> 
> “Alright you two, get home.” A deep male voice said, interrupting the two making out fifteen minutes later. Maya looked up with a laugh – which only made Lucas laugh as well. The school was empty now and the two had been found by one of the janitorial staff. 
> 
> As they walked towards the subway, Lucas reached for Maya’s hand but she pulled back from him – and again a block later. “Cut it out, Huckleberry.” She muttered, shifting her bag on her shoulder more to busy the hand he kept reaching for.
> 
> “C’mon Maya, what’s the big deal, we’re practically a couple anyway.”
> 
> “No, we’re not.” She told him simply as she continued to walk, facing forward. Finally as they stood at the platform waiting to get on the subway they faced one another. “We’ve talked about it Lucas. If we got together it would be awkward and weird and then we’d break up and never be best friends. Things are perfect just the way they are. We have it all.” She’d convinced him of this before, but in truth it was the second part that scared her so much, losing another best friend, not having someone who accepted her like he did. Relationships were the one thing Maya feared above all else. They always failed her, she even expected the friendship to fail her one day, but not nearly as soon as if they actually became something else. 
> 
> Lucas on the other hand wanted nothing more than to be with her and only her, he felt as if he was already. He didn’t date other girls, he was always available for her when she needed him. He wanted to hold her hand, take her on proper dates, but if all he could have were a few stolen kisses from his best friend when she was having a bad day, then he’d accept it.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> Katy Hart worked as many hours as she possibly could, between the diner at night and the bakery during the day, but she never complained about it, she never pushed her daughter to get a job and help. She wanted more for Maya than that. She insisted Maya focus on school and get into college; that a job could wait. She had big dreams for what her daughter could become and wanted more than anything to see that accomplished. 
> 
> Katy had gotten so used to leaving work at night that any fears from the crime in the city had dissipated long ago. She opened the bakery early in the morning and she closed the diner late into the night without hesitation. 
> 
> While Maya was at home – hopefully – asleep, Katy was closing up the diner late Saturday night. She locked the door and turned around to head towards the subway but froze in place. The man before her wore a ski-mask but Katy’s eyes weren’t even trying to see his face, they were focused on the gun shaking slightly in his hand. She lifted her hands in submission, her back against the diner door. 
> 
> “Give me the purse, and your jewelry.” He said impatiently, looking over his shoulder nervously. “Hurry up!” Katy handed over the purse and the lock bag for the bank deposit she was taking to drop off. She handed over her rings and a gold bracelet. “That too.” He said shaking his gun at her necklace. 
> 
> Katy didn’t want to give up the locket she’d gotten to match her daughters, but she knew that no item was worth a life and she nodded. “Okay…” She raised her hands slowly to remove the necklace but his hands still shook as he pointed the gun at her. He looked over his shoulder when he heard a laugh from down the block, a couple just leaving the bar and feeling tipsy. The shaking hands of the nervous assailant hit the trigger of the gun and the blow hit Katy square in the chest. 
> 
> Katy Hart didn’t even get out a scream, just a gurgled gasp as she fell back against the diner door and slid to the ground. The masked man looked around again quickly, then reached for the gold locket, pulling it hard and snapping the chain as he pulled it off her neck and took off running into the darkness.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> Word of what happened to Maya’s mother spread through the school before the end of second period, and Lucas was out the door as soon as he’d heard. He’d tried to call her when she didn’t come to class, but she hadn’t answered, now he knew why. He climbed in her window, and then into her bed without a thought. Laying with her, arms around her and letting her cry and scream and let out everything against him. He couldn’t imagine what she was going through without her mother, he wanted her to know she wasn’t as alone as she felt. 
> 
> “It’s okay, I’m here.” He whispered, stroking her hair as she sobbed into her pillow. 
> 
> “It’s not okay!” She screamed, balled up fists, shoving against his chest but it didn’t cause him any pain. Her eyes caused him pain. “Nothing is ever going to be okay again! I’m a fucking orphan!” She screamed, hitting his muscular chest over and over as he laid in bed with her, holding her close. Lucas’ eyes welled, but he held back any tears, he couldn’t cry for her, she wouldn’t take it well at all, he knew that much.
> 
> Lucas was on his second day of skipped school, lying in bed with Maya again. “What do you believe?” She asked him softly, voice hoarse from hours of crying and screaming. 
> 
> “I believe in heaven.” He told her in a soft tone, soothing as one could manage. “I believe in God’s plan and that she’s with him now.”
> 
> “She wanted me to have faith in something, but I can’t. I just…can’t.” She buried her face against Lucas’ chest and cried until she fell back asleep.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> Even though it had been two years since Riley had done it, she didn’t seem to have a problem letting herself into the Hart’s apartment. She kept the key on her ring all this time. Once inside she went right to Maya’s room, her family following behind. “Oh my god!” Riley shouted, covering her eyes in the doorway.
> 
> Maya sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from her sore eyes. “What the hell? Riley?”
> 
> “I-I didn’t see anything.” She muttered sheepishly, hand still over her eyes. 
> 
> “Wha?” Lucas sat up as well, his hair mussed but he didn’t look as bad as Maya who’d been crying for days.
> 
> “Oh, uncover your eyes!” Maya snapped, Lucas seeing her annoyed with Riley for the first time. “We’re both dressed, you’re being ridiculous!” Riley slowly lowered her hand and peeked out at the two of them. Maya in her pajamas and Lucas in jeans and a t-shirt, both looking at her curiously. “Riley what are you doing here?” Maya asked, she hadn’t seen her childhood best friend since a couple months after the move, Maya went to visit once, but hadn’t been back and Riley hadn’t made it back to New York since the move. It had taken the loss of life to bring the Matthew’s back to New York.
> 
> Riley rushed the bed once she realized it was safe and the two weren’t up to anything. “Oh Maya, I’m so sorry!” She cried out, hugging her tightly, but Maya just patted Riley’s back and looked put out by the gesture. “My mom and dad are here too, they’re in the living room.”
> 
> “Great.” Maya muttered, looking to Lucas as if asking for help to release the vice-grip Riley had on her. 
> 
> “Hey, hey Riley.” Lucas said, tapping her shoulder.
> 
> “Oh!” she pulled back, giving Lucas a smile. “Hi Lucas.”
> 
> “Maya.” Topanga said as she stepped into the bedroom. She walked over and sat down on the full bed. “How are you sweetheart?”
> 
> Maya scooted away from them and pulled her hair back with a band around her wrist. “How do you think?” She snapped. 
> 
> “Maya?!” Riley started, as if no time passed between them. 
> 
> “It’s okay.” Topanga whispered to her daughter.
> 
> “The hell it is.” Maya continued. “Nothing is okay, since when is it okay to just barge into someone’s bedroom uninvited? Since when is it okay to just come into someone’s house when you haven’t seen them in years.”
> 
> “Maya…We care about you, we want to be here for you.” Topanga said softly, trying to reach out to the angry blonde. 
> 
> “You haven’t been here for me since you left New York, you don’t just get to come back in here and try to act like it’s all the same. It’s not the same. Nothing is ever going to be the same!” She screeched, pushing away from a reached out arm. Part of her anger at them for leaving and never coming back, but mostly just for the loss of her mother. “No one invited any of you here, you don’t just get to show up because my mother is dead.” Maya pulled herself off the bed and pulled on jeans over her PJ pants. She pushed her feet into her boots in a huff and seeing the look in her eyes, had Lucas pushing his feet back into his shoes as well. “I haven’t needed you in the last two years and I don’t need you now.” Maya snapped, grabbing her keys and leaving them all dumbstruck in her apartment. 
> 
> Lucas offered a shrug. “I…sorry.” He muttered, grabbing a jacket for Maya and following behind her. Once outside he put her coat around her shoulders, the fall wind a bit chilly after the sun went down. Maya sniffed a little, trying to hide the tears he knew were there as she put on the jacket. 
> 
> “They shouldn’t be here! They haven’t come back, they don’t really care! They just feel some obligation. I am no one’s obligation.” She raised her voice, but none of the passerby’s seemed to care. “I haven’t talked to them in years, none of them not even Shawn, soon as they left, no one had any reason to come back. I don’t want them here!” Lucas was sure that this was mostly grief, mostly her pain showing but he wouldn’t tell her that, he just offered to go up and tell them they should go so she would come back inside.


	3. Loss of Self

> It was Joshua Matthews that saw Maya again first…three years after the death of her mother. Josh had been drug to the club by his best friends, it was birthday and there was nothing like celebrating by doing any and everything you didn’t normally do. The four guys sat at a table as a woman wearing purple lingerie and clear heals took their drink order.
> 
> With a beer in his hand, Josh laughed with his friends about how one of the others could never have a girl as good-looking as their waitress despite his claims he could get her number. It was then – ten minutes into their stay – that ‘Amber’ took the stage. Six inch heels raised her height, lights hit bits of her skin he’d never seen before. Josh froze in place, beer halfway to his lips as he stared at her. She moved like liquid to the music, her legs twisted around a pole and she rose into the air, she moved in ways he never imagined her moving.
> 
> She hung upside down off the pole, taking a five from an outstretched hand with her teeth, when she was upright again, it was in her thong. With a turn, the top came off and fell to her feet. Josh could hardly breathe. He was so torn, wanting to cover her and touch her all at once. Other hands reached up, holding out money for her. No one touched her, but it still bothered Josh. She shouldn’t be here, she shouldn’t be almost naked. Not Maya. 
> 
> His eyes never left her, even when his friend nudged him he just shook his head and kept watching. He didn’t know what to do, how to act, to approach her or hide in the darkness. Her performance was dark and sexy, she wore black not the dayglow colors some of the others wore. As if she wasn’t trying as hard, but something about it seemed to make her even more attractive than the others. 
> 
> By the time Maya left the stage, she held her top in her hand, along with almost $200 in small bills. It was going to be a good night for her. Backstage, she did a shot before locking up her money, and another before she changed her clothes. A black corset in place of the little lace bra she’d wore on stage and a garter high on her thigh. She sat next to the open back door to have a smoke before she would head back out into the club. 
> 
> While a lot of money was made on stage, running up the price of private dances was where someone could make some big cash. She’d learned how to read a man by his looks. She could spot expensive shoes, cheap drinks, she could spot a real leather belt versus faux. She knew a $100 hair cut from a $20 one at one glance. She aimed for those men, those willing to pay five times more than needed – these were the men who would give her hundreds for ten minutes in the back.
> 
> She looked past Joshua Matthews at first, his jeans and sneakers not nearly close to what she usually focused on. She had her eye on a man behind him that had bottle service and what looked to be business associates along with him. She guessed Wall-Street from the hair – Joshua’s hair was not at all something that caught her attention but as she walked past him, she caught his eye. He stared at her and she knew well that he knew exactly who she was. Maya just smiled, hardened to the past now she found it amusing more than anything to see the shock on his innocent face. 
> 
> He turned in his chair to watch her as she moved past him and he could swear she was moving her hips like that on purpose – and possibly she was. Maya – or Amber as she was known at Lace – walked with a purpose, making her way over to the table of Wall Streeters and smiled too sweetly as she took a seat on one of their laps. 
> 
> “I hear it’s someone’s birthday.” A beautiful raven haired woman with tanned skin and baby blue underwear on distracted Josh from Maya as she put a hand on his shoulder and leaned in close. “Your friends here want to make sure you have an amazing time tonight, Birthday Boy.” She had a slight Latin accent and Josh couldn’t deny she was gorgeous, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Maya.
> 
> “Oh, um, yeah, it’s my birthday.” He muttered back, only glancing at her. 
> 
> “Oh, have eyes for Amber do you?” She asked, watching him. “Well how about you and I have a little fun until she’s available for you?” She spoke close to his ear but Josh was so focused on Maya taking a glass of champagne from a man in an expensive suit. His stomach clenched for a moment and he knew that feeling, jealousy, anger and he knew he didn’t like it. Josh forced himself to look away and focus on the lovely girl wanting his attention. He accepted the lap dance and tried to focus – though not too much – on the girl before him and not the blonde behind him.
> 
> Josh found himself watching her wherever she went around the room, and most closely when she was on stage again. He had no idea what he would say to her if she even tried to speak to him, he had no idea how to even approach her, but he was drawn to her. Possibly because he knew he before she was ‘Amber’ or because he was seeing a side of her he hadn’t even imagined before. When she danced she looked at him, she knew who he was, she knew well that this was shocking him, she could read people better now than she’d ever been able to before. But when she looked, Josh regressed to a teenager again and averted his gaze like he had a schoolboy crush. 
> 
> Josh waited at the club long after his friends left, milking drink after drink and just watching Maya until the time when she went in the back and didn’t come back out. He realized then just how late it was and that she must have gone home by now. He sighed heavily, he hadn’t even had the guts to say hello to her – though he wasn’t sure at all what to say after hello.
> 
> It had to be fate, he was sure of it when he walked out the front of the club only to see just a few yards in front of him was a blonde who looked all too familiar even from the back. He’d seen her in nothing but a thong hours ago, and now in skinny jeans and a coat – same heels – he still knew who it was from behind. She was standing near the side of the road smoking. Josh approached her without thinking twice. “Hey!” He called out but a thick arm grabbed a hold of Josh’s shoulder and pulled him back. 
> 
> “What do you want?” The bouncer from the club asked him with a deep gruff voice and it was then that Maya turned. Josh looked a little flustered, clearly not expecting to be stopped by someone three times his size from even saying hello.
> 
> “He’s alright, Jimmy.” Maya called almost rolling her eyes at the look on Josh’s face. And while the bouncer let Josh go, he gave him such a look that the youngest Matthews son would know he’d be killed without a second thought for Maya’s safety. 
> 
> “Hello, Josh.” She said indifferently. 
> 
> “He-hey Maya, it’s been a long time.” She shrugged a little as she took a drag from her cigarette. She knew how long it had been better than anyone she was sure. “How are you?”
> 
> Maya couldn’t help but snicker. “Josh, don’t act like you weren’t just in there, you and I both know we saw each other. Don’t be so weird about it.”
> 
> “Um, okay, well…Why?”
> 
> “Why what? Why do I dance?” He just nodded. She pulled out a thick roll of cash from her pocket. “That’s why.” She took a long drag from her cigarette, the wind taking the smoke in his direction. Josh tried not to react negatively to the smoke – to her in general – but it was hard and Maya could see right though it. “What? All of a sudden you think you’re better than me?” She asked an arm crossing over her from holding her bag closer to herself. “You forget that you were just in there staring at me, didn’t have a problem watching then did you?”
> 
> “Maya, I-I didn’t say that.”
> 
> “You didn’t have to say it, it’s written all over your face.” She laughed in an almost bitter tone. “It’s funny really.” She continued, moving in closer to him. “Because you want to be so proper and perfect like the rest of your family. But I saw how you were looking at me in there…and I know as well as you do as much as you want to look down on me for what I do, you loved it while you were in there.”
> 
> Josh swallowed hard, now almost chest to chest with her and he couldn’t say she was wrong. He was completely captivated by her inside and now in the fresh air, away from the lights and music it felt different…and that feeling alone let him know she was right, he was being a hypocrite to have enjoyed her show but think she shouldn’t be doing it as well. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, his head hanging just a bit.
> 
> “Its fine, Josh.” She told him, flicking her cigarette butt into the gutter as a black car pulled up. Her ride home clearly as she stepped closer to it. “We are who we are, and you’re a Matthews.” She told him simply as if it were a definition to his being. His brow furrowed a little and he stepped closer again, Jimmy keeping a close eye on him despite Maya telling him all was fine. 
> 
> “I…” He struggled with the words, his nature fighting him. “Want to get some coffee?” Maya turned, halfway in the car and held back laughter. 
> 
> “Get in.” She told him and slid into the backseat herself.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> Josh took in the studio apartment from the city lights shining through the large windows. Queen size bed, big TV on the wall, kitchen bar with stools. He tried to replay the evening, how did he even get there. He started in a club he probably shouldn’t have been in and ended in a bed he more than probably shouldn’t have been in. There was something about Maya, something about her strength and indifference in an incredibly sexy package that drew him in. She was nothing like any other girl he’d been with.
> 
> She didn’t cuddle after sex, in fact she didn’t want much contact at all it seemed as she sat up on her own side of the bed and reached to the nightstand. She lit a cigarette and took a long drag. He reached to the floor for his boxers, pulling them on under the covers, but she didn’t reach for anything to cover up, just relaxed back against the headboard and smoked her cigarette. 
> 
> She stood, completely naked, and walked across the room, opening the cabinet and taking out a glass, she splashed some whiskey into it from a bottle on the counter and took a sip. “You want a drink?” She asked him, brow raised. He was honestly a little surprised, was she even 21 yet? But he just nodded a little and sat up some.
> 
> “You’ve got a really nice place.” He told her, standing to take a glass from her. He turned his back to her as he took a swallow, wincing slightly. She didn’t even show a reaction to the burn of the liquor, he couldn’t let her see that he couldn’t handle it. “Different than what I imagined.” He muttered.
> 
> Maya took a drink with ease, it didn’t burn her throat; she was used to the drink by now. “What did you imagine?” She asked, glancing around. It wasn’t much, but it was incredibly nice for a twenty year old to have in New York City. The fact was she wouldn’t have a place so nice if not for her job, she made anywhere from $600 to $1500 a night dancing at the club. 
> 
> He shrugged. “I dunno, figured there would be paintings on the wall and more art stuff. You were always really good at that stuff.”
> 
> Maya looked around, she had a couple mirrors, a few pictures of her and her mom, but he was right, no paintings, and definitely nothing around to make her own. “Yeah, I don’t really do that anymore.” She shrugged a little and finished her cigarette and drink before going back to the bed. “C’mere.” She told him, the seductive look in her eye again, the one that he remembered in the car before he moved in to kiss her. Josh was about to ask her why, but with the look in her eyes, he brushed the questions aside and moved back in close on the bed. His lips met hers as his arms slid around her, holding her body close to his.


	4. Loss of Love

> Over the following month, Maya and Josh only left one another to work or go to class – Josh was now in Med School at NYU, his own heroic birth being the catalyst for his future plans. Maya had learned that before the night out his fellow med students had forced on him – the night he found her again – he rarely ever did anything except study. He’d gotten his heart broken the year before after two years with the same girl she left him for someone else. She’d learned that he talked most freely after sex, laying alone in bed and talking quietly. She learned that he talked more to his family via Skype than he did in person these days. 
> 
> Josh however didn’t learn nearly as much about Maya, she let him do most of the talking and when the conversation did move over to her, she was very skilled in taking it back to him. She spent a lot of time in the club being a great listener and making men think she was incredibly interested without ever letting out her own personal details. At least with Josh, she was actually interested. The most he’d learned was that she began dancing when nothing else could get her rent for somewhere not infested with roaches and where her toilet wasn’t in her kitchen. He’s learned that she had fake IDs since high school and while she was only 20 she was known at the liquor store down the block and no longer even carded. He also learned that anytime she got close to something real, she knew how to change the subject well.
> 
> Maya especially didn’t like to talk about the past.
> 
> As Josh lay, staring at Maya as she stared out the window he smiled. “I never thought it would be you and me.” And she just hummed at him, she wasn’t sure what they were but she’d known back then that he had never thought of her that way while she thought of him so highly. “I always thought you were gorgeous though, just…too young. But now.” He smiled down at her, her eyes shifting to him slightly. 
> 
> “I’m all grown up.” She replied, sensing he wanted some kind of response but not having much else to give him. She didn’t believe he thought she was gorgeous back then, it was just a way to soften the blow of rejection to a teenage girl, she was far too grown up now to believe the pleasantries anymore.
> 
> “Do you remember the first time we met?” 
> 
> Maya pulled her eyes away from the window again. “Hmm, nope. Can’t say that I do.” She told him as a flash of a very young Riley introduced a boy just a little older than them as her uncle and Maya didn’t believe it. 
> 
> “Remember that time I got rejected the same night I told you I was too old for you and you were there when the girl from NYU gave me the same line?” But she just shrugged again and shook her head even though the memory was vivid, it was her first date with Farkle Minkus – another person who was no longer in her life. 
> 
> “Nope.”
> 
> “Okay,” he started, laughing a little to himself. “What about the time you snuck out and came to the dorms for a party.” 
> 
> This time she met his eyes. “Josh, I snuck out a lot when I was younger. What’s up? Seriously what’s with the trip down memory lane?”
> 
> He shifted on the bed a little, laying on his side to face her a little more. His fingers slid into her hair. “I don’t know, I’m just thankful I guess. After all that time, I’m here with you right now.” She offered him a smile and a kiss but she didn’t have a lot else to say and his expression of disappointment showed all over his sweet face.
> 
> “Josh…I.” She sighed. “Listen, I don’t like to think about my past, it has nothing to do with you. I’d just rather think of the future, think ahead and not behind.” He nodded a little, but she could tell he didn’t get it but how could he possibly? He had the best family, the best of everything his whole life, and anything she had, she lost so early in life it broke her more than could be mended.
> 
> His arms wrapped around her and pulled her in close. It hadn’t taken him long to take after her behavior with moving into the physical when things didn’t make enough sense to talk about or were too hard. It was easier to just go to what did make sense and that was her mouth on his.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> Josh had earned a spare key to Maya’s apartment, but that didn’t mean he’d earned any kind of title to go along with it. For Maya the decision was one of practicality, he was in med school, he spent most of his time studying, if they wanted to see one another, it was easier for him to be there when she got home or able to come right up when he was done with a class or between two with some extra time. They woke one another up often for sex but to Maya, that’s all his having a key meant. It was not at all how Josh saw it, as a step forward in a relationship.
> 
> The confusion on what the gesture meant would end up being the start of a fight that would never truly end. It was hard for Josh to deal with the fact that his ‘girlfriend’ was a stripper, what he found easiest was to think about that fact that this was a girl with her own life, one that wasn’t going to think he was never around because of his schooling and goals. It also didn’t hurt to know that this gorgeous woman that many men wanted came home to him.
> 
> The mistake he made was to ever go back to that club, to ever go see her after he had begun to feel so strongly for her. He hadn’t seen her in days, he was on a night class rotation and she was working almost every night of the week. So the first night he had available and she was at work wasn’t going to stop him from seeing her. He didn’t think it thought, he just wanted to see her. When he walked into the club she was on stage, he was sure she’d seen him come in, but just in case, he took a seat close up, so she couldn’t miss him.
> 
> Josh had been sure that when her dance was over she’d come to see him, but all he got was a smile and a wink as she walked past him to a table with a gentleman giving her the eye. The man in the designer suit and thousand dollar shoes was holding up twentys and fiftys to Maya who didn’t hesitate to grind on his lap right there in the open before taking him into the back. What Josh didn’t know what thanks to the business man – a regular of Maya’s – her rent would be paid just on tonight’s tips. All Josh understood was that his girl walked right past him to go get naked for someone else. Was a hello too much to ask for?
> 
> It wasn’t until the man left that Maya realized Josh was not only still there, but was glaring at her as if she’d just stabbed his best friend. She walked over, that work-smile on her lips. “Hey you.” She said, moving in closer, but he stood up eye to eye with her as she reached him. His eyes were angry and cold and she looked at him curiously. “What’s wrong?” She asked sweetly.
> 
> “What’s wrong?” He snapped, forgetting where he was for a second. “You walk right past me to spend an hour with some asshole with greasy hair and you’re going to ask me what’s wrong?” His voice raised without really knowing his was doing it. 
> 
> “Josh.” She spoke a little more sternly. “I am at work.” But her voice was low, almost a whisper as she tried to keep her composure, no one wanted a dance from someone who screamed at a guy in the middle of the club. She wasn’t attractive then, she was drama. Josh’s body language alone was enough to have Jimmy watching him from the door, the large man was stepping in as soon as his voice rose. 
> 
> The thick hand that grabbed Josh before was on his shoulder. The man leaned in. “I’m going to give you five seconds to leave on your own before I throw you out.”
> 
> “What? Maya will you-” But as soon as her real name was said, Josh was being physically pulled out the door. Five seconds must have been up. Josh was out the door before he could say a word. 
> 
> “I don’t care what you are to her, if you ever show up here again, you won’t be walking out. You understand me?” Jimmy spoke in a very deep husky voice and his eyes were almost dangerous with how he stared Josh down. He went back to Maya’s apartment and sat up waiting for her to come back. She didn’t call, she didn’t even text and that just made him angrier than he already was. 
> 
> What Josh didn’t expect was that when she walked in, she would be looking as angry as he felt. Maya let the door slam behind her when she saw him sitting at the counter staring at her with his own anger. She held up a finger, stopping him from speaking before he could even get a word out. She dropped her bag and walked to the kitchen with heels clicking on the wood floors. She poured herself a drink, downing it and then refilling the glass. 
> 
> “Do you have any idea what you could have cost me tonight?” She began, not shouting but her voice was cold. He looked bewildered, he’d expected an apology. “What you think that me not giving you all my attention while I’m working is bad?”
> 
> “You couldn’t even say hello to me?” He asked in return. “Why is it so wrong of me to be bothered that you would walk past me without even a hello?”
> 
> “Are you fucking kidding me?!” She snapped now. “You want to be a doctor right? Well what if I came to visit you in the fucking ER, Josh, you going to stop on your way to some mugging victim to say hi to me? No. You’re going to do your fucking job. You were jealous, simple as that, and your fucking jealousy could have cost me my job tonight, could have cost me my fucking safety!” She was shouting now. “There’s a reason we don’t use our names, no one in there uses their own names. You think I was any of those people knowing who I am, able to look me up? My god are you that fucking stupid!?” She shouted him down, tossing back her second drink and slamming the cup down on the counter so hard her was shocked it didn’t break in her hand. 
> 
> Josh swallowed hard. She was right, of course she was right. And he had said her name, he didn’t even realize he’d done it until then. It all came back to him, that’s why he got thrown out and banned, he’s risked her safety. “I’m…I’m sorry.” He muttered sheepishly. 
> 
> “I think you need to go home Josh.” She told him. Sorry wasn’t good enough this time.
> 
> “Maya.” And when she looked at him, her expression didn’t change, it was time to go home. “I made a mistake. Are you breaking up with me over this?”
> 
> “Breaking up with you? Josh…we’re not a couple.” His brow furrowed then, staring at her as if she was speaking some other language. “We’re not dating, we’re fucking. We’re having fun.”
> 
> “That’s all this is to you?” He asked her, trying not to show his pain.
> 
> “I’m not girlfriend material, I never have been.” She told him, sitting on the side of the bed and pulling off her shoes. She was calmer now. She let out a sigh, as if she’d had this conversation before and that just bothered Josh even more than he already was. 
> 
> “Yes you are. You just don’t want to be.”
> 
> “Josh…”
> 
> “Alright…it’s been a shitty night, but…I don’t want to go okay. I only went there tonight because I wanted to see you.” He moved over to the side of the bed beside her. “I get it now, okay? And I really am sorry, we just…saw things differently. But I get it…I won’t go back there again.”
> 
> She watched him close as he spoke and against her better judgement, she gave in. She wanted him there, she wanted him to be right. And while she knew being someone’s girlfriend was never a good choice, for the first time she felt like she actually had something she’d wanted but never felt good enough for. It was hard to send him away, when he was making her promises about doing things her way, about not being attached and not letting things get out of hand again. And so he stayed and neither of them slept until after the sun came up.
> 
> ~*~*~*~*~
> 
> The more comfortable Maya was with Josh, the closer he got to her; the more it scared her that he was too close. She wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, she wasn’t looking for some forever love. Forever didn’t last and the only way to keep from getting your heart broken was to never let anyone in it to begin with. She watched as he slowly moved in, more and more of his things at her place than in his dorm, more and more nights spent there than away. 
> 
> She found herself staying close to him after sex, sleeping closer to him than she had before and the very rare nights when he wasn’t there, she found sleep was harder to come by. But it wasn’t any of those facts that got to her as much as it was the night she looked over to him as he slept and thought she might be capable of love again. That he looked so beautiful and was such an amazing person…that he was so good to her, better than she deserved…that was what truly scared Maya and pushed her to the edge.
> 
> Finally at the sight of more med school books on the counter and no place for her to sit and eat she huffed. “Josh!” She snapped, his head popping up from where he’d been watching TV on the bed. “I can’t take this anymore!” She gave the pile of books a shove and they all hit the floor with a loud bang. “Since when do you live here? I mean fuck, Josh you have more stuff here than I do.”
> 
> Hurt showed on his face first as he got up and bent down to pick up his books. “Sorry.” He muttered, though clearly wasn’t apologetic. She was in a mood, he’d convinced himself, better to just hold it back and move his things out of her way.
> 
> “No, seriously Josh, you act like you live here, you bring in all your shit and never take it home.” They were just under six months in at this point and it was getting to be all too real to Maya now. “You put your laundry with mine, you have books everywhere, you hog the TV and the bathroom; this is MY apartment Josh. Not yours. You don’t live here.”
> 
> He sighed. Okay, she was going to fight no matter what he did it seemed. “Yeah, I know I don’t Maya.” He replied, almost exasperated. 
> 
> “This...this isn’t working out anymore Josh.” She told him, swallowing hard before he could catch her.
> 
> “What?” He asked, brow furrowed. “Don’t be dramatic Maya, I’ll clean up the mess.”
> 
> “I’m serious Josh, it’s too much. You’re here too much. I think we need to have some time apart.” She stood with her arms crossed as it sank in what she was doing. 
> 
> “You’re serious.” He muttered, standing back up and looking at her. “No. You don’t just get to call it quits and not talk to me about this. It’s too much is bullshit and you know it. What’s going on Maya?”
> 
> “We’ve talked about this, we’re not a couple, it’s supposed to be fun. This isn’t fun anymore. Look…” She paused, pushing her feet into a pair of shoes. “I’m going to go out for a while, you can pack up while I’m gone.”
> 
> He stared at her, completely baffled by what was happening. Did she not realize how little sense she made? “Are you fucking insane?” He blurted out, moving to stand in front of her so she couldn’t take off and avoid the conversation. “What are you so fucking scared of, Maya!?” 
> 
> “I’m not scared of anything Josh. You’re being ridiculous.” She side stepped him to find a hoodie and pulled it on. 
> 
> “No, you’re not scared, you’re fucking terrified” He told her flatly. “You’re so terrified to admit you feel something more than this physical shit you try to convince us both this is.” He grabbed her arms, looking into her eyes. “I fucking love you, Maya. I love you and I want to be with you.” He had been holding it in for months, all he wanted was her, and somewhere inside he knew it was supposed to be her all along.
> 
> In milliseconds, everything flashed in front of her, saying goodbye to Riley, Farkle fading away, her father turning his back on her. Watching Lucas fly away, her mother never coming back home and her eyes welled just slightly. “I…I don’t love you.” She told him, voice steady and cold. The single biggest lie she’d ever told and she told it right to his face without even blinking. 
> 
> His hands dropped from her arms as he stared at her, pain and curiosity in his eyes. “You don’t mean that.” He said, wanting so much for her to tell him she was lying, to admit how she felt, he’d seen it in her eyes, he made love to her, he didn’t fuck her. This was love, he knew it was.
> 
> “I do mean it. Love isn’t real, it’s just some sappy notion people use to explain a chemical reaction to pheromones. We had sex, great sex, but it was just sex Josh.” The pain in his eyes took over the curiosity. “I was never your girlfriend, I’ll never be your girlfriend, it wasn’t love. It was just sex.” Her tone was so flat that if he wasn’t so hurt, he’d see how much emotion she was blocking out herself.
> 
> “You love me.” He told her. “I know you do and one day you’re going to realize how good this could have been.” But she didn’t reply, only walked away. 
> 
> Maya walked around the city for hours alone, giving Josh time to get his things out of the apartment, when she got back, the place felt more empty and cold than it did before she moved in. She realized how much he had there once it was gone, no books no clothes too big to be hers…no sign of him there. But the real kicker was when she went to the cabinet and all of her liquor had been poured out, the bottles put away empty. A small hand written note up against an empty bottle of whiskey in Josh’s handwriting. 
>
>> **_I love you._** **_You don’t get to drink that away. -J_**
> 
> She let out a scream in frustration, slamming the cabinet shut and sinking down to the floor in the kitchen. Maya hated to cry, she hated to feel that weak but she still sat on the kitchen floor and sobbed alone.


End file.
